Casey Ryback (SEAGAL) seems like an ordinary cook except for the fact that he’s totally awesome. He walks around the ship in some stupid black outfit while everyone is in their fancy white ones waiting for the President. Seagal is all DGAF. He’s doing a terrible Louisiana accent and telling even worse jokes, ugh… They’re retiring his ship which is from Pearl Harbor or something, borrrinnngggg. Ryback is shown chopping carrots really fast, which means he’s a master chef.
I forgot to mention that Gary Busey is in this. GARY BUSEY GUYS! He and Ryback don’t get along well. Ryback starts dancing with some dude that everyone is calling Cue Ball. I think it’s because he’s bald, how clever guys. Some idiot ginger comes in and RUINS EVERYTHING! Ryback makes some dumb joke about him hitting puberty and everyone laughs. Tommy Lee Jones is shown on a helicopter in one of the most idiotic outfits I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Gary Busey again starts yelling at Ryback and spits in his already gross looking soup type liquid. Everyone hates Ryback, and I think I do too.
Ryback pushes Busey and then punches him in the face and beats up some wimps. He gets locked in a meat freezer, bummer town. This supposedly “good looking” girl shows up (spoiler, she’s ugly) for the captain’s birthday party. She takes a ton of motion sickness pills, typical model.
The band that Tommy Lee is in is playing and from what I can gather, he’s pretty much the Flava Flav of the whole group. Busey shows up (IN DRAG) and goes up to the captain’s office and shoots the captain. Tommy Lee asks for the highest ranking officer and some dofus stands and gets shot in the face, haha awesome. The takeover of the ship begins.
Ryback is complaining in the meat locker about how dumb this guy is that’s guarding him. Busey is looking through files in the captain’s office, sees one about how insane he is and looks at Tommy Lee and says “Do I look like I need a psychological evaluation?”(Did I mention he’s still in drag?) They find some disk that does something (I was eating pizza rolls and not paying too much attention.) Special Ops guys kill the guy that’s guarding Ryback and then Ryback kills them! Tommy Lee shoots down a plane, no clue why. It turns out that Tommy Lee is a former CIA Agent who’s all butthurt because the CIA tried to kill him! His specialty was “taking over battleships”. Wait, what? They talk about a sub he took over and blew up, but it turns out he didn’t blow it up and he’s using it for this silly plan of his.
Seagal is wandering around when he bumps into a huge fake cake, the ugly girl from earlier gets out and starts dancing. BOOBS! They start talking about crap and she mentions how she’s an actress, I lol’d. A bomb Ryback set in a microwave goes over, another dude gets dead. It’s discovered by Tommy Lee and Busey (finally not in drag anymore) is an ex-Navy Seal.
More stupid jokes from Seagal while he tries to convince the girl not to follow him by locking her in a locker, yuuupp.
Busey and Tommy Lee are talking about how rich they are going to be and Busey says he’s going to “buy the presidency” with all his money. As if that can be done!
Seagal eventually let’s the girl come with him (what a sweetheart) and she gets caught. Seagal kills 7 dudes and saves the girl, no problemo. Busey starts to flood the area where they’re keeping almost all the crew members. Seagal rescues some of his fellow crew members and they are all wanting to be heroes, except for one clown who’s only there to hang out with the ugly Playboy Model.
A pretty dull gunfight ensues, Seagal kills everyone, blah blah blah. Some villain (I think he’s deaf) is just standing there and Seagal drops a huge metal beam INTO HIM, awesome.
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, there’s a knife fight! Seagal stabs a guy through the armpit and then runs another guys shoulder through a table saw! The Navy Seals are arriving on a helicopter when they are blown up. It took like 45 seconds for them to appear and then die.
Seagal makes a homemade bomb and swims over to the sub and tries to blow it up. One the way there he’s shot at by every non-blind person that can see him. His bomb goes off and he gets hurt. Some really crappy actor that I recognize but can’t figure out who it is shows up and does the typical stupid villain thing where he talks and talks but doesn’t kill but he himself gets killed!
Seagal makes his way back to the crew where they’re shooting off rockets to the sub. Busey is all cocky that he’ll make it out alive. The sub is hit and explodes. R.I.P. GARY BUSEY’S CHARACTER!
Tommy Lee Jones shoots two missiles towards Hawaii. Seagal gets in yet another awesome hand fight and he RIPS A GUYS THROAT OUT! Jones eventually finds Seagal and SURPRISE SURPRISE, they know each other. Seagal talks to Jones about how we’re all puppets being ruled over by the same person, he’s so right brah. There’s an awesome knife fight between Seagal and Jones. Eventually Seagal gouges Jones’ eye out and stabs him through the top of the skull! The two missiles are destroyed and Seagal is a hero and kisses the ugly girl, guh-ross.
I thought Under Siege was a lot better the first time I watched it. There should have been more one-liners and more hand to hand combat. Still a solid action movie, I’d watch it again if I wanted to laugh with some buddies. 3.5/5
Steven Seagal Body Count: 19 (not including explosions)
Bone Breaking Noises: 1
Favorite Line: Jordan Tate: I hate being alone. Casey Ryback: Do you hate being dead?