Douglas Quaid (SCHWARZENEGGER) has a really boring dream about dying on Mars with some girl by his side, kinda. There’s a lot of Arnold-esque grunts which make it hilarious. He wakes up next to 1990 Sharron Stone (UNF) and she gets pissed about him having a dream with some other girl in it. Arnold gets all cute with her, gross. He makes some goofy looking food and watches the news about “terrorists” on Mars. Dick Jones from RoboCop (DICK JONES!!!) shows up on TV talking about Kuato. Sharron Stones tries to distract Arnold, but he’d rather learn about Mars rather than have sex, sounds familiar…
Arnold goes to work and is having a conversation with his friend, one of those actors that I recognize but have no idea who it is. His friend tells him not to go, Arnold goes anyway, like a boss. He gets there and some girl is changing her nail color by hitting her nails with a pen, whatever. Some guy in a hideous suit is talking to Arnold about how great Rekall is. Arnold decides to go as a spy. They attempt to implant the memory but Arnold loses his shit and starts screaming “YOU BLEW MAI COVUHHH!” His accent makes it hilarious, again. They put him to sleep and he wakes up in a taxi driven by some robot. His friend from work and some thugs try to kill him but Arnold kills all of them. Breaks bones of 3 of them and shoots two, freaking awesome.
Arnold goes to his house and Sharron Stone tries to kill him, she fails, she tries to bribe him with sex again, she fails. She tells him about how he was a spy or something, I can’t remember, I was doing the dishes at the time. Arnold escapes, Michael Ironside shows up, improvises the scene and makes out with Sharron Stone. Arnold runs away and finds himself on an escalator where he decides to grab some random ass guy and use him as a human shield as 5 people are shooting at him. The man receives at least 20 gun shot wounds and Arnold kills 3 guys, I think. Arnold gets a briefcase thingy and removes a bug thing from his brain, he sticks it in some chocolate that a mouse takes Richter (IRONSIDE) shoots the mouse, because he’s an asshole.
Arnold goes to Mars dressed up as a “fat old lady” who then freaks out and starts saying “TWWWWWWOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooOOOOOO WEEKS” Arnold throws the head to some unsuspecting guy who is then told to “Get ready for a surprise!” He doesn’t get ready for the surprise and is blown up when the head explodes. Some dofus shoots at a windows and a bunch of people get sucked out. Richter goes to see Dick Jones and Dick Jones gets all pissy with him about Arnold. The taxi drivers on Mars are like hookers. Benny finally shows up and he drives Arnold to The Last Resort where he sees a girl with 3 BOOBS(!!!) Arnold meets Melina, she slaps him. Arnold goes to his hotel where the goofy guy from Rekall shows up and starts spouting about how this is all a dream. Sharron Stone shows up too. Arnold sees right through them. Arnold shoots the Rekall guy right through the face. Sharron Stone beats up Arnold. They make it to the elevator where Melina is waiting, she kills a bunch of dudes and gets into a fight with Sharron Stone. Just as Sharron Stone is about to kill Melina, Arnold shoots her right through the face. He then says “consider that a divorce” meh on that one. Richter gets pissed about it and almost breaks the dome that protects all the people on Mars. There’s a kinda lame chase scene that ends when Benny drives through like, 6 walls just because he can. Richter goes to The Last Resort and kills the woman with three boobs. A midget grabs a knife, stabs a guy in the gut or penis, can’t tell, and then starts shooting a machine gun. It’s a pretty hilarious sequence.
Dick Jones decides to turn off the air in whatever sector that place is called. Arnold meets up with another one of those “hey, it’s that guy!” actor. He takes Arnold to a room and he meets Kuato, who’s growing out of the guys stomach. Kuato reads Arnold’s mind and then they’re invaded by the bad guys, other guys, whatever. Benny kills Kuato because apparently I read him wrong and he’s just an asshole.
Quaid and Melina are taken to Dick Jones where Hauser tells Quaid that he wants his body back. They try to change Arnold and Melina but Arnold stabs guys through the face, neck, and back. Some more people died but it wasn’t as cool. They go to the mines where Benny is driving one of those huge metal things. He almost kills Arnold and Melina but Arnold does my favorite thing in the history of everything and takes a giant screwdriver and drives it through Benny while yelling “SCREW YOU!” They make it to the reactor where there are some hilarious scenes using the hologram. Arnold gets in a fight with Richter on an elevator. He throws Richter off the side and holds onto his arms. Richter’s arms are ripped off and Arnold throws them back down at him while saying “See you at the party, Richter!” The quote of this blog (thanks Dave Rock.) Dick Jones is waiting for Arnold by the reactor and Melina shoots him twice but he doesn’t die. A bomb goes off and causes the dome to be ripped open. Dick Jones’ face starts doing awesome things while he’s on the surface of Mars. Arnold and Melina do the same face freak out thing but they don’t die. Air goes all over Mars and there is no more dictatorship…and all that.
This is probably one of my favorite movies of all time. It really has everything you could possibly want in an action movie. One-lines, awesome muscled up hero, babes, awesome villains. This is one of two movies I would recommend to anyone who’s never watched an action movie. So many absurd things going on in this that you just can’t help but yell “FUCK YEAH!”
Arnold Schwarzenegger Body Count (Not including explosions): 23 (probably wrong on that)
Bone Breaking Noises: 3 (ugh)
Favorite Quote: Hey Benny, SCREW YOU!
Amazing poster design: Tyler Stout (http://www.tstout.com/)